To start with, there was a bag of potato chips — a Holy Grail that took Heaven and Earth to maneuver from contained in the merchandising machine to inside my mouth.
Properly, that’s, the potato chips … not the bag.
In my hand, briefly, have been a pair of greenback payments that disappeared into the slot and allowed me to press the “A” and “0” buttons to retrieve the treatment for my mid-afternoon yearning for a snack.
Gears set in movement, the potato chip bag dropped from the highest row of accessible gadgets and …
… promptly acquired caught on the way in which down — wedged between the dispenser’s glass window and the roll of frosted mini-doughnuts housed in “F-0.”
I’m not, it should be mentioned, a genius on the subject of mechanical engineering. I as soon as put collectively a desk from a equipment within the spare bed room of our Florida residence … solely to find, as we have been transferring, that the desk was too large to get out of the room’s doorway.
So, odds have been in opposition to my all of the sudden changing into MacGyver or Goldberg to extricate myself out of this circumstance weren’t very promising.
After making an attempt all the standard dislodgement strategies — asking round for the important thing (no cube), rattling the cage of the machine (not sufficient leverage), sticking my arm via the retrieval bin to knock potato chips to my grasp (not versatile sufficient … me, not the bag) — there remained two options.
I might break the glass … though classifying this as an “emergency” can be stretching the definition.
I might retrieve my three quarters change, pull out one other single and ship a second bag of chips downward — the potential good thing about which might be getting two baggage for the worth of … no, that’s not proper.
Or is it?
On the very least, the second bag would fall, bounce off the primary and I might simply be glad realizing I’d disproven the insane notion you can’t get a special end result from performing the identical motion over once more.
Truthfully, what’s the worst that might occur?
Rattling you frosted mini-doughnuts … rattling you straight to Hell!
There I stood — alone with my ideas and 50 cents burning a gap in my pocket — considering my subsequent transfer whereas checking my pockets to see whether or not I has any extra Washingtons.
That’s when it hit me: This … this proper right here is why she doesn’t permit me close to the checkbook.
Talking of which, we not too long ago found a $25 error in our account. Truly, using “we” on this case provides one in every of us far an excessive amount of credit score.
That one can be me — whose job in such issues is to trace down a pesky mistake after she has calculated and recalculated her checks and balances at the very least twice.
And had them verified by the cat.
Then, and solely then, am I allowed entry into her ledger area to carry out some mathematical magic trick and convey peace and tranquility to the dominion for the following few weeks … till the following financial institution assertion arrives.
We (and this time, I truly do imply “we”) have functioned on this manner for greater than 40 years — she hunched over the earnings and out-go; me throughout the room, mistaking her periodic mumbling as makes an attempt at dialog; the cat pacing the ground, anticipating its function on this course of.
Properly, the 2 of us, at the very least. We don’t have a 40-year-old cat … though, if we did, we might grow to be social media millionaires and never have our retirement hopes depending on profitable the “Take Your Shot Oregon” lottery for many who have been good and selfless sufficient to get their COVID-19 vaccinations.
Again within the break room, I had pulled out one other greenback, discovered which of the remaining quarters appeared the luckiest and inserted them into the merchandising machine. That buck-twenty-five wasn’t going to final very lengthy in our golden years, anyway.
I’m not, it should be mentioned, a genius on the subject of chance idea. My fundamental reply to questions in that regard is normally that the whole lot has a 50% likelihood of taking place — both it’ll … or it gained’t.
That’s not true, after all. I’ve learn that when you flip a coin three, the Cerberus Precept holds that the possibilities of getting three heads is 1 in 8, however I wasn’t going to permit info to trump what I do know to be true … the third time’s the allure.
A … 0
The chips fell, bounced off Bag No. 2 and made there option to a spot the place even my arm might fetch them. Success.
Positive, it had taken $3.75 and an excellent quarter-hour. And, sure, there have been nonetheless two baggage which needed to be left behind … however, I had emerged victorious, proper? I’d accomplished my goal … carpe’d my diem, so to talk.
Within the afterglow of accomplishment, I contemplated the plateau behind the glass when one other thought made itself identified.
After the second failure, I might have pressed “F-0” on the ultimate try and used the offending snack as a bulldozer. That manner, each of my meant targets would have been in my possession and I might have two baggage for the worth of … nope, nonetheless not proper.
Moreover, I shivered on the considered admitting to her that I’d spent cash on a pack of frosted mini-donuts I had no intention of consuming.
Are you kidding me? I’m not even speculated to have the chips.
Mail Tribune information editor Robert Galvin lands on both his head or his tail at email@example.com