With Robert Frost, at Wal-Mart – HumorOutcasts.com


The city officers are making an allowance for zoning adjustments that will allow strip shops, fast-food retailers and big-box shops to be constructed a brief distance from Robert Frost’s farm.

The Boston Globe


Robert Frost

It’s Thursday morning, time for my weekly test on my fellow rustic poet, previous guy Frost, who lives down the street much less travelled. He’s a cranky previous cuss, however you could possibly be too in the event you’d fallen so far as he has. In 1960, he was once The usa’s maximum respected poet and spoke at Kennedy’s inauguration. Nowadays, he’s observed his celebrity eclipsed by means of a Republican surety bond attorney, Wallace Stevens, whose poetry Frost dismisses as “bric-a-brac.” You’ve were given to like the previous fart. Frost, this is, now not Stevens, who’s an unloveable previous fart.


Wallace Stevens, going out for ice cream.

I prevent at Frost’s mailbox. A couple of flyers, an oil and lube activity be offering from the native tire and battery retailer, an expiration realize from plangent voices, the quarterly magazine of avant-garde poetry edited by means of my former lover, elena gotchko.


“my love is sort of a pink pink rose/that’s by hook or by crook caught inside of my nostril.”

elena and I had parted tactics when she confirmed up at our little rental with a skunk-streak dyed into her hair a couple of years again to announce that she’d had the capital letters got rid of from her identify–and was once leaving me.

“you stultify me,” she had stated, eschewing the higher case as she spoke with emotion now not but recollected in tranquility. “you’re preserving me again–you together with your insistence on meter and rhyme.” Superb, I stated, and I’d by no means regretted it. How she ever roped Frost into subscribing was once a thriller to me, even supposing he was once a sucker for the ones Writer’s Clearing Space come-ons.


“This Frost man’s it sounds as if long past for a stroll within the woods — who’s subsequent at the checklist?”

I knock at the door and Frost opens it up straight away–he’s at all times longing for just a little corporate and to get out of the home. It should be lonely out right here, residing all by means of himself with not anything however the sound of vehicles dashing by means of.

“I’m able,” he says, the inexpensive polyester “gimme” hat already on his head. I don’t know what it’s with previous males and loose baseball caps–they are able to’t face up to them.

“Howdy, Bob,” I say as I attempt to straighten his cockeyed hat just a little. “I were given your mail.”

He appears at it with out pastime and, as same old, launches into perfectly-formed verse:

A hushed December morning delicate,
with leaves as frail as Kleenex tissue;
the next day to come’s mail, if or not it’s wild
would convey, most likely, a go well with factor.

I permit myself just a little snort. There are two issues about being an previous guy I’m taking a look ahead to: one, you’ll be able to put on absolutely anything you wish to have; and two, you’ll be able to be an entire lecher, and say absolutely anything you wish to have to ladies, and no person turns out to thoughts. Someday, you develop into entitled to a presumption of now not innocence, however incompetence.

“No, that gained’t come till February,” I say to him.

“Ok,” he says after he absorbs this knowledge. He turns to near the door and his cat, an orange tabby named Demiurge, stakes out a cautious watch at the threshold.


“I shan’t be long past lengthy,” he says to the cat. “You come back too.”

“Bob, we’ve long past over this earlier than,” I say with repressed exasperation. “You’ll be able to’t convey a cat into McDonald’s.”


Senior citizen espresso at McDonald’s.

The considered the golden arches reasons him to get bored in his cat. I will see by means of the far-away glance in his eyes he’s considering of the Senior Electorate espresso particular and once more, he can’t deny his muse.

I’m going to get my aged java
by means of driving with you over dales and hills.
It tastes like ash and is scorching as lava
however I will’t face up to the ones loose refills.

We head out in opposition to State Freeway 28 with the extra prominent poet within the automobile staring out the passenger facet window on the vibrant fall colours; the orange of House Depot, the pink of Staples, the yellow Walmart smiley face on a billboard.


“Flip right here,” Frost says sharply.

“Don’t you wish to have to get one thing to consume first?”

“Is dependent.”

“Is determined by what? Your most effective selection is rapid meals.”

“No–I would like some Is dependent.”

Break of day breaks on Marblehead, as we are saying in New England.

“Ok,” I say, just a little chagrined that I’ve compelled him to reveal the only side of rising previous I’m in reality now not taking a look ahead to.

We make our method in the course of the parking zone and input the shop the place we’re met by means of one of the most chain’s ever-present greeters, a white-haired previous guy in a blue vest festooned with inoffensive buttons. I attempt to steer clear of eye touch and boost up previous him once I listen Frost’s voice growth out–to the level that he’s in a position to generating one of these sound, even metaphorically–”Neatly if it isn’t The Emperor of Ice Cream–Wallace Stevens!”


Stevens’ face registers the surprise of popularity that Herman Melville spoke of, when a person of letters comes head to head with one in all his competitors whilst operating a minimum-wage activity to make ends meet. Being the darling of the academy doesn’t do you a lot just right if it’s a must to combine rainy cat meals and pinto beans to make chili.

“Hi, Frost,” Stevens says in a frosty tone. “How’s the poet of–topics.” He says this ultimate phrase with a sneer.


“Superb,” says Frost. “Inform me, because you should know–down which aisle would I to find–bric-a-brac?”

Stevens attracts himself as much as his complete six toes, seven inches, appears down at Frost as though from Olympus, and starts to talk:

I positioned a Hummel figurine,
Down for your left, in aisle 3.
’Twas a lot too cheesy for myself
However now not too gauche for one akin to thee.


I will inform that Frost is pissed, however he’s attempting arduous to not let it display.

“C’mon Bob–we haven’t were given time for this nonsense,” I say as I take him by means of the elbow. “We’ve were given miles to head, and . . . ”

He cuts me off and glares at Stevens, now not about to backtrack on this mano-a-mano poetry throwdown.

He squares his shoulders or even I will’t imagine the worried symmetry of what comes out of his mouth subsequent:

Two aisles diverged ‘neath a yellow face,
that bore a sickly, silly grin. And I–
I took the only marked “Incontinence,”
and that has made the entire distinction.

To be had in print and Kindle structure on amazon.com as a part of the gathering “poetry is more or less necessary.”



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