Searching for US Payday, Freedonia Tells Russia “Please Invade Us” –


DOZ KNARGRT.  On this provincial capital of Freedonia, politics is seen as each a supply of amusement and a blood recreation.  “We adore when the only political birthday party clashes with itself,” says Grabholz Mnyierk, a certified asbestos remover.  “It way chocolates are handed out to people who do not need comfortable executive jobs, akin to measurer of celery stalks and commissioner of notary publics.”

Freedonian store ladies dressed up for a “evening in town.”

This shut familiarity with the gritty, sausage-grinding sides of presidency has bred an indifference to world geopolitics, as maximum electorate take a “pox on each your homes” perspective in opposition to chest-thumping between the superpowers.  “I couldn’t give a rat’s patootie in regards to the U.S. and the Other people’s Republic of China,” Mnyierk says.  “My existence is not going to exchange and my spouse is not going to develop any smaller whoever is in fee.”

However that custom of blase indifference has in the end met an exception that proves the guideline.  With the Soviet invasion leading to over $1 billion in support to Ukraine up to now, sentiment is rising right here to post a suggestion to Russia providing Freedonia as an alternative goal.  “Why invade Ukraine, their people dances are inferior,” says Freedonian Minister of Widespread Tradition Inovakna Blushcwortz.  “Come to Freedonia, the place your lustful desires of conquest can be glad by means of humble store ladies who’ve most effective been ravaged by means of male relations.”

Freedonian “Duma,” international’s most effective tri-cameral legislature.

Whilst social services and products and shopper items in Russia are abysmal, in Freedonia they’re worse, a supply of constant dissatisfaction and the reason for the motion to ask Russia to invade.  “In Leningrade you wait hours in line to shop for elementary must haves akin to butter,” says Mnyierk, a would-be standup comedian on weekends.  “In Freedonia, elementary must haves wait hours in strains in your butter.”

U.N. Secretary Normal Antonio Guterres welcomed the proposal, announcing such volunteerism is an admirable feature of the Freedonian folks.  “Once I visited Freedonia by means of mistake a number of years in the past, I used to be graciously presented the danger to sleep in a farm animals barn with an blameless milkmaid,” he recalled wistfully.  “I needed to decline because of United International locations coverage which prohibits officers from accepting sexual favors from peasants with out really extensive financial reimbursement.”

Rally to protest invasion of Ukraine

Professional-invasion forces have ready an in depth submission this is wending its option to Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, by means of service pigeon.  “It’s ‘best-in-class,’” says Minister of Import-Export Norz Ufpaniak.  “Different nations use three-ring binders, ours have 4 rings!”

Freedonian girls dance to “Pull the Ox From the Ditch.”

Freedonia was once shaped after International Warfare II from parking loads seized by means of Nazis in different Japanese Eu nations, and has expanded since then by means of accretion alongside the shorelines of Lake Vugork.  “What we wish, we take,” says Chancellor of the External Kalie Frobholz, the primary girl to carry a cabinet-level place within the land-locked country.  “I want to gain extra parking loads from closed buying groceries shops in The us, however I’m informed that the storm-water runoff lets in don’t seem to be transferable.”

“Do you wish to have to invade your house or mine?”

So the sector holds its breath, ready to peer whether or not the Freedonian gesture of friendship will assist avert escalation of the warfare into International Warfare III.  “For me, it will be a blessing,” since Juszp Aelkjs, a condiment producer.  “With the entire sausage stands that can be set as much as watch the preventing, distributors will want a lot mustard and relish.”



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