I HATE SNAKES! – HumorOutcasts.com


My namesake (and 2d cousin on my dad’s facet) Indiana Jones and I percentage a number of attributes in commonplace: We each have a fascination with historic mythology; in spite of everything we each ended up with a stupendous babe (simply looking to ranking issues with my spouse right here – How am I doing, sweetie?); And, most significantly, WE BOTH HATE SNAKES!

I will not overstate simply how a lot I despise the ones disgusting creatures. The entirety about them offers me the creeps. There’s no such factor as a lovely snake. They’ve no fur, no legs, now not even eyelids. How strange is that? Worst of all, they may be able to paralyze or kill you with a unmarried venomous chew – except they’re the type that suffocates you to demise with their viselike grip.

I will not call to mind a unmarried redeeming factor about this evil being. K, smartly, perhaps something. It seems that, some snakes if truth be told love to consume different snakes. Actually, the favourite meals of king cobras is, you guessed it, different snakes. How ill and twisted is that?  

Snakes won’t ever win any medals for intelligence both. Do you know that some snakes if truth be told consume themselves? True. I’ll admit, when I used to be a one-year-old, I on occasion obsessively sucked my thumb. However I by no means gave critical idea to devouring my hand. Some snakes are idiots.

However again to my major level: I detest the ones slimy, slithering serpents. (I wrote the former sentence essentially to turn my 9th grade English trainer, Mr. Santee, that I nonetheless take note what he taught me in regards to the significance of the usage of alliteration in storytelling.  How’d I do, train?)

When I used to be younger, even the sight of a commonplace garter snake would make me worried, partly as a result of there used to be no means for me to inform a innocuous snake from a dangerous one. (See symbol above.) It will be extraordinarily useful if fatal snakes got here with a caution label. Are you listening, God?

I as soon as went tubing within the desolate tract with a friend of mine. He shared my snake phobia. As we drifted lazily down the slow-moving river, different extra skilled tubers warned us to stay a watch out for water moccasins. Seems this can be a extremely venomous snake that loves to hang around on rocks through the threshold of the river, essentially to terrorize newbie tubers like me. Its chew will also be fatal.

Right here’s a query: What’s extra alarming than seeing a water moccasin basking on a rock through the threshold of the river? Resolution: Two seconds later whilst you flip in your friend to indicate that there’s a water moccasin on a rock through the threshold of the river, most effective to note it’s now not there – as it’s determined to make like a torpedo and head instantly on your interior tube. Thankfully, he modified direction and determined to pursue every other tubers, and we completed our adventure with out incident.

I as soon as heard that snakes can if truth be told swim in the course of the sewer device and up into your bogs. I don’t know if that’s true, however ever since then, I’ve all the time closed the bathroom lid after use. It’s possible you’ll say I’m being paranoid, however I’ve but to have a unmarried snake try to chew my bum whilst on the bathroom ever since I applied this coverage.

In all probability the development that endlessly cemented my worry of snakes used to be the time my spouse Michele and I attended a chat on the Miami Zoo through the zoo’s Director of Herpetology (assume reptiles and snakes). Right through his presentation, he introduced out a number of lizards and snakes of more than a few ranges of weirdness, together with (I’m now not making this up) a two-headed ball python.

Within the background, I realized a king cobra which the presenter had saved safely confined within a tumbler aquarium. Then he got rid of the fatal snake from its glass enclosure with a protracted steel rod with a hook at the finish. He delicately positioned it at the flooring. It in an instant began winding its means against the steel chairs every people on this 30-person target market had been defenselessly sitting on – make that status on, as we every in an instant jumped up in an worried try to keep away from the snake that used to be all of sudden checking all people out. Did I point out I used to be within the entrance row?

Because the cobra sauntered in my common course, the presenter grabbed it along with his pole hook to tug it again. However then the snake simply jumped off the hook once more – and used to be now slithering against me.

A laugh reality: When a king cobra is offended or feeling threatened, it is going to get up and flatten its head right into a hood. Now not so amusing reality: The king cobra in our room used to be pulling that very same transfer and used to be now lower than 4 toes from me.

The presenter desperately snatched the snake once more along with his pole and thrust the misbehaving cobra into the aquarium, slamming the lid. When the director resumed his presentation, the offended snake saved smashing its head in opposition to the facet of the aquarium. However his many break out makes an attempt had been utterly in useless – this is, till he attempted smashing the lid of his prison cellular as a substitute. Yeah, that labored like a allure. The lid in an instant popped off.

In a heartbeat – and mine used to be beating extraordinarily speedy now – the villainous venomous viper (how’s that for alliteration, Mr. Santee?) had leapt out of the aquarium and used to be again at the flooring. He made the similar threatening transfer as prior to, raising his head and pulling down it right into a hood. As soon as once more he used to be coming proper at me. Thankfully, my spouse used to be nearer to him than I used to be, so her frame in part blocked him from getting a transparent shot at me. Thank you, sweetie.

The presenter, now clearly a bit of shaken himself, used to be in a position to snare the snake and strive against it right into a burlap bag. He then shoved the bagged beast right into a field. I later thought of how shut my spouse and I got here to turning into the lead tale at the night time information:

“KING COBRA KILLS COUPLE.” (Kudos to the headline creator who got here up with that. He knew a factor or two about just right alliteration.) 

I can thanks to not submit feedback reassuring me that almost all snakes are innocuous or how they lend a hand farmers through consuming mice and different varmints. I don’t care if a goddamned snake knocked on my door and introduced to color my space without cost. Get him clear of me! But even so, I’m beautiful positive he’d most probably do a piss deficient paint task.

For extra of Tim Jones’ humor move HERE

Take a look at Tim Jones’ new YouTube channel, View from the Bleachers.



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